I want to stick my p in your. b.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
