a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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