You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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