My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
