It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
