He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
