You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
