She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
