Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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