My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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