she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
