If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
