I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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