I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Randomize
