Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Randomize
