Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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