Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
