I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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