she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
