Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
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