you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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