awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Randomize
