That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize
