i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
