I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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