Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
