Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
