at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Randomize
