Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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