I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Randomize
