Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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