conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
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