fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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