Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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