Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
