I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Randomize
