3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
