No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize