someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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