i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
