if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
