Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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