Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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