Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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