I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
