don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
