You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Randomize
