mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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