i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
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