i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
