What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
