Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
