we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
