I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I want to have your abortion
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
