he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize