I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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