Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
