Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
