I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
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