I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
