he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I think pants incapable of making pants work
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
