Midget sex pt 2 tonight
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
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