Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
