Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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